So I’m driving on I-75 just north of Lexington, KY on Friday. Traffic is kind of heavy and moving fast. I’m doing about 76 in a 70 zone. That’s when I felt it. IT!
I glanced down just briefly and saw a big ass spider crawling up my left leg. Thankfully it wasn’t the leg I was using to smash down the gas! I immediately wanted to start thrashing about, but I realized that traffic was too heavy to do anything stupid behind the wheel. I didn’t want to be “that guy” that caused a pile up over a spider. So, instead of being completely freaked out I start smacking my left leg against the door to try and shake this vile creature before he crawled into my leg and took possession of it. I still feel it! But wait, a hour later it was gone. Well, more like a couple of seconds but that felt like an eternity.
So I drive along…normal, once again. Until about ten minutes later. Now I’m doing 82 and traffic is very heavy and I’m in the fast lane. This insane creature hellbent on my destruction is now crawling up my shirt at a pretty fast pace. Now I seriously want to freak out because I swear it looked as big as a tarantula, but only much smaller. I quickly reach over to hit the button to lower the window. My plan is to flip this nefarious human killer off of my large gut and out the window. Boy am I a smart one!
But…slight problem. I didn’t notice that the window only went halfway down. I’m in bumper to bumper traffic and trying to keep my eye on the road. I prayed to the good Lord and even tried to summon the power of Grayskull (ya know, He-Man stuff) and I flipped that monster right off of my shirt. I had no idea the power of that creature. It must have somehow got into my head and caused me to angle the “flip” just enough to suit it. It bounced off the window and landed right on my freakin’ forehead. I saw that creature rise in up the mirror, steadying itself for a killing blow, when I went all “Curly from the Three Stooges” on him, flinging him off of my head as I screamed like a little kid, a shriek that would frighten a scream queen.
I have a feeling that it is in hiding…waiting for the right moment.
I know I am! I’m going to have a frosty beverage in my hand during what I assume will be a spectacle of such calamity that Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon will be rolling over in their graves. One candidate makes Nixon’s offenses look petty and the other has enough ego to make a Kardashian look humble. Only in America! I dig it.
As for the debates, I’m all about allowing profanity to be a major part of this one. It’s just too good a match-up not to have them calling each other names. I know that the left will stack the moderators like they always do to make the Republican look bad. I wasn’t a Romney fan in 2012, but I did think it was unfair that he had to debate Obama and Candy Crowly at the same time. We all know the news media wants Hillary to win. Let’s just admit it and move on. Trump just has to deal with that reality.
As for moderators, I suggest we use retired pro wrestlers with a gift for smack talk. If Macho Man Randy Savage was still alive I could see him throwing Slim Jim’s to the live audience while he growls out questions to the candidates. Since he’s gone, let’s use Ric Flair for the first one. The Rock would be a good choice for the second debate. “Why did you make us look like a bunch of candy asses in Benghazi, Hillary?” I can see him raising that damn eyebrow after he asked that hard hitting question. The third debate…who else other than Hulk Hogan, fresh off being fired for racism. “How high you gonna build that wall, brother?”